How to create change and get unstuck after childhood trauma and abuse
How to create change and get unstuck after childhood trauma and abuse
Typically I write to engage people who are survivors of child abuse or trauma, but this feels like a very across the board topic that millions of people face. I received an email the other day, and the person who wrote it asked me what to do about being "stuck." For the sake of anonymity, let's call this person Charity. The words in the message resonated with me because lord knows I have been there. That feeling, that place of stuckness is so fucking real that it's scary. For the majority of my life, I felt like a dark shadow hovered over me, and its name was "not good enough." No matter what I did or where I traveled or who I met, the thought often lingered that somehow I was not enough and worse I wasn’t willing to do anything about it. I think that often the idea of enough and the feeling of stuck can go hand in hand. This is a classic double-edged sword.
Upon reading the email, I had a thought that I am no longer in that place. My life is about as satisfactory as I could have ever imagined it to be. That’s saying a lot for a guy with an ACE score of 10 and more childhood trauma than you can shake a stick at. Of course, this is not to say that my current life does not come with pain, sacrifice, hurt, sadness, and all of the other emotions that life has to offer. So how did I get from a place of pure self-loathing, failure,and general "stuckness" to a place that I dare call satisfactory? In hindsight the answer is simple-do the work. But that is an oversimplification in consideration that doing said work has taken me almost a decade. More importantly, I couldn't help but think about how much I wish I knew when I started my journey to health. I didn't, but perhaps I could give Charity some insight with the knowledge I have now. That is why I recorded this video: https://youtu.be/lzvbq6ZUFu8
Please forgive the thumbnail. I was screaming!
Imagine for a moment that you are standing on the podium after winning a tournament in a sport, listening to your boss praise you about a job well done, or buying your dream car only to feel like somehow you don't deserve it. That is a vicious sentiment to have about accomplishment. You have stripped validation and accomplishment from yourself. But why? We often find ourselves stuck between these places of feeling like we must take on the world and not feeling worthy enough to do so. I believe that it is within our foundation of self-talk that we can change the sails of this ship.
Consider those previous scenarios in a way in which you acknowledge your accomplishment. How would that feel? Pretty damn amazing, right?! Now consider if you implemented that same thought process into every victory in your life regardless of size. From putting together a desk to waking up on the first alarm, there is a space for praise that must come with a sense of conviction of worthiness. Now you may be wondering why you would do such a thing in consideration of all of the mishaps and misguided travesties that you somehow endure or co-create daily. The reason why you may be so inclined to celebrate yourself is that a small victory now leads to huge victories later. If we are the stories that we tell ourselves, then it would hold true that if we believe we can accomplish anything, then we can.
However, this is where that double-edged sword comes into play. You cannot celebrate victory if you do not put effort into the battle. Let me explain this in the most simplified way that I can. Many people feel stuck because they look at their life through the scope of a very superficial world. We can't help but be products of our environment based on the current state of the universe. Additionally, I don't believe that our past is indicative of our future. What this means is that despite whatever has occurred leading up to this moment, the future is still not determined.
BUT….
Being "stuck" will not change where you are at. So, let's rewind a bit. The email I received was about this idea of being stuck and the way that it has impacted and become a driver of failure in so many people's lives. I have been there, and that is where Charity is right now. I believe that starting with celebrating little victories and changing the way we talk to ourselves is a cornerstone in getting unstuck. The other is ACTION.
Nothing about the world is as simple as wishing for something to come true and it happens. If that were a reality, then we would all be driving space ships while rocking 6-pack abs and having mind-blowing sex all day, or maybe that's just me, either way. My point is this: nothing worth having in life is going to come from nothing, but chances are you are in a place where nothing is already happening. What I am about to write next is not meant to be crass, only a reflection of a place that I have been myself. If you are stuck, that is your fault. You are the only person to blame, and you are the only person who can do something about it.
A lack of worthiness is felt emotionally for abuse survivors.
Getting unstuck is crazy difficult for many adult survivors of child abuse and childhood trauma because of the lack of worthiness that is inherently felt within. The need to change the way one thinks about themself is why I put self-talk before action. However, action is the methodology in the hierarchy of what I would consider being the human ability to implement change as the most essential cornerstone to success and leaving a place of stuckness. Action is about executing against a task or goal as much as it is about unrelenting effort to reach said task or goal.
In the same way that I can't imagine myself into a spaceship, I can't imagine myself into health, happiness, longevity, or success. It takes work to create a life that you can be proud of and that starts with reverse engineering a starting point. I wrote about this in-depth in Think Unbroken but this concept deserves another mention here. In order to get to any level worthy of measurement in one's life, the willing participant must adhere to the idea that there is no overnight success in any matter of living without a myriad of consequences that may befall them for expediting efforts that very often take years and not days to configure and execute against. I.E. the story of the turtle and the hare. The gusto-infused and likely narcissistic egomaniac hare is in a race against a well-thought and well-to-do straight-aligned turtle.Not only is the hare’s effort half-assed but it tries every shortcut in the book to achieve victory ultimately yielding in defeat to the conscious and straightforward effort of the turtle. In the end, the turtle comes out victorious for staying the righteous path on a pace of diligence forgoing the same brevity in which the hare fell victim to. All this is to say that to reach a goal, one must be both diligent and patient as well as sure-footed and confident. In consideration that the story of the turtle and the hare is a fable, both characters had a predetermined goal at hand, and that was to be victorious in the race. Real-life is much more complicated.
People feel stuck for many reasons, but I think there are two primary causes for which this occurs. Reason number one: life is at the razer's edge of being comfortable enough to prolong the suffering of not seeking something more significant for one's existence. This means that until rock-bottom occurs, change may not be invoked. Reason number two: no goals, ideas, tasks, or reasons to work towards something greater have been constructed. This means that the ship is sailing, but there is no captain. In essence, you are being driven on autopilot and subject to the will of the world.
This brings me to a conclusion. To get unstuck, you need to have a reason to create an action that is intertwined with a willingness to give yourself the space to be congratulatory about the good things that happen in your life. I think you must also be willing to be critical as well. There is no good or bad as it goes. To push yourself, you may find that becoming your own worst enemy can become the ordinance that you need to seek a better life. In theory, that may come off as contradictory, but in execution, it works. We have to be willing to face ourselves in the mirror and simultaneously seek more while acknowledging the incredible feats that we have accomplished. Again, the only way these things work is through action. It is in a balance of perseverance, patience, and absolute determination that the switch from stuck to unstuck gets flipped. Ultimately. You have to decide what you are willing to do to have the life that you want. It's not easy, but it's damn sure better than being stuck.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to wake up in the morning and love yourself? Have you ever thought that no one gets it? Do you often feel like the trauma you experienced still seems to sit with you? Do you wonder if life will ever be worth living? Do you dread that you have to live for another day?
These are such difficult questions to answer, and they are the same questions that I asked myself for years. I hated my life. I hated waking up. I hated that no one understood. And I hated that the worst part of my day was the moment I had to get out of bed. The ramifications of the trauma that I suffered not only took away my will to live but it also led me to two suicide attempts, a drug problem, morbid obesity twice, countless failed relationships, depression, anxiety, self-loathing, and dissociation. Then, I figured out the most important thing that I have ever discovered how to Think Unbroken.
When I decided to write Think Unbroken: Understanding and Overcoming Childhood Trauma I knew that I had to take all of the lessons I have learned, the practices I have created, the knowledge I have gathered, and the tools I have crafted and put them into a practical and adaptable self-education book. I didn't intend to create what is to this point in my life's work in this book. I only aimed to write a simple 10 page eBook that you could read on the go. Then I realized that if I did that, I would be doing a massive disservice to everyone that truly needed help getting out of The Vortex. I have over 30 years of experience in trauma, and to sum that up in 10 pages felt off. So, I dedicated to spending every moment of my day for the last year, creating what I know is the most impactful book in the field of childhood trauma.
Why is Think Unbroken the definitive book for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse? This book was crafted with you in mind. I wrote this for every person who, like myself, has been hurt by those that were supposed to protect us. I wrote this as a manual to understanding the science of the brain and nervous system, how to navigate reframing thoughts, to learn why trauma manifests itself in both physical and mental ways, and how to rebuild yourself. Most books on trauma don't entirely create a scope of understanding. My goal with Think Unbroken is to help you understand your past so that you know how you got to where you are and how you can have the future that you want.