CPTSD and Trauma in the time of Corona Covid-19
CPTSD and Trauma in the time of Corona Covid-19
I wish that I could say this is the first time that we have experienced utter and complete isolation to fend for ourselves and to make it somehow, though, but it’s not. The impact of the Corona Virus is global and not just in our homes. I have noticed in both myself and many people like me who have survived some of the most traumatic events possible, the current state of our society is for lack of a better term, something we have grown comfortable with. Many of us have been in survival mode since birth-today is just another day in the office as it would seem. It’s almost as if we have been groomed for this exact moment.
We remember what it was like to wake up each morning knowing the feeling of immense fear and uncertainty regarding our safety and those around us. Within the knowledge of fear came an understanding that the people who were supposed to protect us did not. Some of us were not entirely on our own, but it felt like it; it’s hard to feel safe when the same hand that feeds is the same hand that covers you in bruises and leaves your flesh riddled with scars. There was an occasional glimpse of humanity in an ill-timed showing of compassion, which typically felt like empty gestures that were more of a forced persuasion.
Our existence was predicated on the idea that fear was the driver and motivation for all action, and now that same fear for many has begun to cultivate itself exponentially. It’s easy to assess danger when said danger exists in a manner in which we can be touched by it directly. I’ve become akin to the idea that at all times, I must keep a watchful eye as a means of self-preservation. There was a time when self-preservation meant walking down the street with my keys firmly Wolverined between my knuckles or a baseball bat tucked safely away next to my headboard. Today those survival mechanisms don’t bring me that same sense of calm that that once did when I felt that at any given moment, I would be under attack. The feelings invoked via hyper-vigilance are now in my past due to the work I have put toward working through and grasping a better understanding of the way that my childhood trauma was informing the decisions of my adult life.
The overwhelming fear of imminent demise is now overshadowed by both a sense of calm and safety. However, as I lay in bed just two nights ago in the safety of warmth and comfort, I couldn’t help but be bombarded by a simple thought—I’m OK with death. However, being comfortable with the inevitable cold hand of death is not the same as welcoming it. As I write this, I reflect on almost a dozen near-death experiences in my childhood and twenties, and the one lesson that I have learned through them all is that I survived. Somehow whether divine intervention or pure dumb luck, I am still here, and so are you.
Perhaps I’m misguided in this notion, but the idea of surviving has often been touted as a preservation of the physical body. I think that is only half of the narrative that we have to decipher as trauma survivors, especially at this given moment. Many of us have survived the physical pain and torment of abuse. Even more of us have endured the mental and emotional abuse that came along with our youth, but now in 2020, in the face of a pandemic, unlike anything we have ever experienced, how do we continue to preserve? As I enter my mid-thirties, this is a question that I have pondered over time and again seeking an answer that may never come. In reflection, I pinpoint these events, which have shaped the world as I know it. Between OJ, presidential infidelity, the internet, housing crises, Y2K, 9/11, the crash of 08’, multiple wars, the first black president, H1N1, the Tsunami in Japan and Fukushima disaster, Facebook, Amazon, cell phones, marijuana legalization, the continuation of the push towards equal rights, GMO’s, micro-aggressions, Angel Investing, the resurgence of Nazi’s and white supremacy, and now a global pandemic I feel like I have experienced ten lifetimes of moments that would send anyone reeling for a bottle of Xanax and a glass of wine. Yet, here I am, and so are you.
It’s not that I don’t feel fear or am not scared of what is to come, all this is to say that as survivors, we do one thing fucking well- we survive. That is the nomenclature for our entire existence as individuals and as a race. It is empirically embedded in our DNA that we must and will survive. For hundreds of thousands of years, we have fought through every adversity that the universe had dared to us to contend with as gauntlet after gauntlet has been thrown down. There is something to be said about the innate power that we possess. Humans as a whole are machines with thousands of mechanisms at work for one purpose and one goal—to continue moving forward.
There has never been a game plan for any of this. From birth until this very moment, we all have been winging it. No one knows what the hell we are doing here, and yet we continue to step up to the plate day after day. As trauma survivors, we know how both grueling and exhausting it can be to make it out of bed in the morning, a ritual that we force ourselves to complete on the basis that if we continue to take steps towards bettering ourselves that one day we will do just that. For months, years, and decades we have pushed through unbelievable hardships and have been tasked with dusting ourselves off. Then, out of nowhere, the world stopped.
How do we deal with trauma recovery and Corona Virus?
So what do we do now? The short answer is that we continue to do the same thing we have been doing for millennia, we keep going. Yes, now it is an incredibly difficult time to want to stay the course. Inspiration and motivation feel like impossible words when stuck within the same four walls day in and day out for weeks on end, a sad glimpse into the reality of the incarcerated. Yes, days have begun to meld into each other in a vicious routine of wake up, brush teeth, walk the dog, eat food, watch Netflix, eat, wash dishes for the thousandth time, reread last years best-seller, eat, brush teeth, sleep, hopefully, bathe at some point, sleep, reset. Yes, we are socially distancing ourselves. Yes, everything we touch wants to kill us. Yes, you can’t go to the bar. Yes, everyone is getting laid off. Yes, the government is failing us. Yes, you have to entertain yourself. Yes, we are all doing this together. Yes, the floor is lava.
Being in isolation has been a mind-fuck, pardon my English, but it’s true. I feel like we are faced with a paradoxical situation. One on hand, we have been given a resource that so many of us so desperately want and need, and yet many of us are squandering the time we have on frivolous activities. I am going to preface what I write next because I think it’s a vital prologue to my point of view, if you are happy with how your life is and are entirely good with your day to day existence not only now but before the apocalypse then you can skip the following words. On the other hand, we have been given the nonrefundable resource of time in which we can do so many things to better ourselves. For years, I have a balanced career, personal life, goals, fitness, friendships, dating, relationships, and self-care. The one thing I have wanted more than satisfactory experience at all levels of my existence is time. Now that I have time, I have to ask myself this question: am I spending the time I have in a way that is beneficial to myself or humanity, or am I wasting this incredibly valuable resource on the monotonous? Again, you have no obligation to do anything other than what you feel is for you. As trauma survivors, we know how exhausting doing the work can be. If you need this time for a respite, then rest my friend.
What to do during quarantine as a trauma survivor?
We have an opportunity to better ourselves in a way we haven’t before because we do have time, and we do have incredible resources at our disposal, which are no longer finite due to the internet. This isn’t to say that you have to start a company, write a book, learn a language, or anything else; it’s merely a thought. Could I be doing something that will make my life better with the time that I have right now? The biggest fear I have in this exact moment is that in a year from now, I will look back at the opportunity I have given and know that it was wasted. I wish more than anything that the circumstances in which I am writing this were different, but it’s not, and the reality is that we have to face it that we don’t know when it is going to be over.
So, what can we do? What should we do? Ideally, you do whatever you feel is aligned with where you are and what you want in the future. If you need to rest, then rest. If you need to get a better understanding of who you are, then do that. If you want to build the next social media juggernaut, then get to work. Whatever it is that you do, make sure you are doing it for you.
Our situation leaves many openings for past trauma experiences to sneak in and inform our decision-making. If nothing else now is a time that calls for patience in everything that we do. I can feel my Sympathetic Nervous System on overdrive right now. I think that during a pandemic, it can be expected that our fight or flight response would be on high alert. As we consume information at a greater pace than any time in history, it is reasonable to consider that much of the impact we experience is due to media scope. That is not a slight towards the media as a whole; it’s a first-hard understanding of the experience that I am having. I have all but disengaged as to preserve my mental health. It is essential to be informed, but it is necessary to disconnect, process, and get back to center. There is nothing wrong with stepping away from social media and the news cycle to regroup and take inventory of your current mental health status.
As a blanket statement, let’s assume that the entire population of the world is triggered. Let’s say that we all are experiencing massive levels of anxiety combined with depression at an all-time high, along with a lack of connection, community, physical touch, and routine. We know that people are dying. We know that people are getting sick. We understand that the mental health of society as a whole is dissipating. And we know that we must invoke a martial law of self-care to continue the survival trend.
Self-care during Corona Virus
Self-care is different for everyone, but taking care of ourselves is a responsibility for everyone. We must not live in fear because that isn’t living, and we must take advantage of the time we have because tomorrow is not a promise.
Self-care doesn’t mean that you have to do anything other than what is aligned with what is true for you right now. If you need to disconnect from the world into the fantasy of a video game or start training for a marathon or take more bubble baths than you ever thought you could then go for it. Now is a time for being both gentle but also cognizant of your actions.
I hope that as we look back on this life and this unprecedented time that we do so knowing that we did what is best for us. I hope that we look back knowing that our choices and actions were the right ones for us. I hope we look back and say I gave it my best shot. We only live once and even if now is a crazy time to be alive, we are still here because we survive.