Sometimes your trauma healing journey is happening right now. | CPTSD and Trauma Coach
Sometimes your trauma healing journey is happening right now.
I was caught off guard yesterday as I sat staring out the window, watching the rain pour and trickle down the glass. The smell of fresh laundry and the tobacco candle burning in the kitchen is beyond calming. The sound of Killswitch Engage softly echoed in the background from my desktop speakers; I recognize the irony even typing this. And at that moment, I had an overwhelming sense of emotion run over me. For the first time, I realized that I am in it; I am on my vision quest.
Historically a vision quest is a Native American rite of passage for boys via intense self-torture through starvation or being in the woods alone for weeks waiting for a spirit animal to come and guide them back home. For many of us, our journey is through exhaustive therapy, coaching, mentorship, reframing, journaling, meditating, and all of the other modalities. At times I would much prefer the idea of surviving the woods. I'd take a bear eating me over having to have another zoom therapy appointment at this point.
Not much unlike the journey of young native boys, I find myself as I head into my late thirties sitting at this place of understanding that this journey that I am on in healing my childhood trauma is a rite of passage from the hurt, sad, angry, lonely boy that I was to the strong, capable, lovable and loved man that I am today and will be as I step further into this quest. The difference is that my quest back is about being at peace with who I am, who I was, and what happened to me. Even a decade into my healing journey, I know that I am just getting started.
I did find my spirit animal. I was on psilocybin in Vietnam, in a float tank, for 6 hours. It was at that moment that the octopus came to me-this is another story for another day.
So, what's this all about? Often we don't recognize what is happening around us until we evaluate it from a retrospective perspective. I finally understood that now, at this moment, I am in it. I felt the tears like the rain slide down my cheeks. They weren't tears of sadness but of joy because since I was eight years old, all I wanted was to feel like I had a purpose, to feel and know that there was a meaning to all the abuse that I suffered. And though I have been an author, coach, and mentor for adult survivors of abuse for a few years, it wasn't until yesterday that somehow at that moment, the fact that I am on my own vision quest was solidified.
There is something about being in the present moment, slowing down, and simply listening to yourself without fighting or being afraid of what you will discover that will lead you to where you need to be. I often wonder what my life could be like right now if I wasn't driving towards something despite being terrified of the outcome. Some say that I am a risk-taker, but I argue that you can never step out of your comfort zone without risk and thus never grow.
We are all on our vision quest, our rite of passage to what is next in our lives. As abuse survivors, we have to allow ourselves space to exist. In the calm of the moment, we discover truths about ourselves if we are willing to listen.
Your truth, like mine, may be that what you are seeking is happening right now.
Until next time my friend…
Be Unbroken,
-Michael
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