The hardest battle we fight in healing trauma is against ourselves. | CPTSD Life Coach
The hardest battle we fight in healing trauma is against ourselves.
I was driving 80mph across I-70 West, heading from Indiana, a place that I had called home for so long that I didn’t know anything else and I was terrified. Through the great plains, I saw incredible showcases of nature’s power in the form of lightning storms and, at one point, just within the boundaries of Idaho, a tornado that was so wide it could probably eat a city. The road West was long and lonely but gave me time to reflect on what exactly it was that was happening- I was finally putting myself first. I could feel the warmth of the tears drip down my cheeks and fall until my hands; I hadn’t cried in so long that I had forgotten the salty taste. But these weren’t tears of sadness. They were tears of accomplishment because I was finally taking care of myself first.
Coming from a home of vicious childhood trauma, I often found myself not leaning into the parts of me that felt real. My wants, needs, and interests were never validated, and more often than not, they were used against me. The idea of being the person that I am was a death sentence in most cases. Our home was status quo for children are better to be seen and not heard, though existing alone could be the catalyst for a trip to the executioner’s block. I spent so much time hiding from who I was that I had no choice but to step into the unknown. The only thing on my mind as I drove those thousands of miles away from everything I had known was that I was doing this for me and me alone. Heal or die is the only thing that held me together during that week.
I always had an excuse for not doing the things that I said I was going to do. I could find a reason that other people or other things were more important than me. I could drink, smoke, screw away the sadness of feeling incomplete, and that left me nowhere. And the funny thing about not taking care of yourself is that it works until it doesn’t, and when that happens, sometimes you have to rip the bandage off and do the unthinkable-you have to put yourself first.
The idea that self-care is tied into our daily lives is fair, but what if your everyday life isn’t on your terms, to begin with? Are you taking care of yourself? You can do all the yoga, journal writing, and meditation in the world, but it doesn’t mean shit if you are still not in a place of healing. My definition of a healing place is one that I feel safe to express myself, to be loved as I am, to be able to say and do what I feel true for me. Too many trauma survivors are in a place that just happens to be good enough but let’s be honest, that is a copout. Of course, there are circumstances in which we have to accept that, but I challenge you to think about the narrative of accepting that as only a short term agreement.
We get so tied up in what we believe to be obligations that they rule our lives. We work jobs we hate, have unfulfilling relationships with partners who take advantage of us, indulge in friendships that don’t bring us value, and spend time distracting ourselves from the truth that we are not living on our terms. Ask yourself this question, what am I willing to do to have the life that I want? In that question lies not only the truth of what you already know, your gut instinct is always right, but it also gives you space to be to step into your personal boundaries and identify on your terms your wants, needs, and interests.
I don’t know that everyone needs to uproot their lives, pack a rental car, and drive across the country in pursuit of healing, but maybe you do. We are scared of the unknown because we have historical data that supports our hypothesis that if we try something that we need, then we will face ramifications. We have done this research study time and again. But I would challenge you to take inventory of your environment and determine if you are in a position to take the risk of moving towards who you want to be.
Out there somewhere is a thunderstorm on the side of the highway waiting for you to pull over and indulge in it, but you will never know if you keep waiting for the right time. Now, is the right now.
Until next time my friend…
Be Unbroken,
-Michael
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