10 Questions you should ask when dating with childhood trauma
10 Questions you should ask when dating with childhood trauma
It can be an impossible task to allow yourself to feel love after childhood trauma. People ask me all of the time, how do I date when I have childhood trauma? And I think that the most important part of this question is that dating, relationships, and love are entirely different when it comes to navigating how trauma impacts our ability to connect to other humans.
When I think about dating and having experienced serious childhood trauma, I always think about the difficulty that it takes to truly be able to first love yourself. How can you date other people if you aren’t honest with yourself?
It’s very easy to get caught up in the idea that you are only lovable after you have done everything you think makes you worthy of love. However, in my experience, I have realized that love is a byproduct of simply showing up as yourself for yourself. But when you start the process of dating and seeking a relationship or a partner, you need to truly understand yourself and the role that trauma has played in your personal life and past relationships.
If you have a past with childhood trauma, you need to ask yourself some questions:
Am I personally responsible for myself and do the things I say I will do?
When conflict occurs, do I shy away and run or face it head-on?
Do I unintentionally sabotage relationships by doing things I know will make the other person want to walk away?
Am I in control of my emotions, or are my emotions in control of me?
Do I accept my flaws and characteristics enough to show my true self to another person?
Do I feel shame about someone loving me?
When I am dating someone, do I constantly criticize them or myself?
Is the idea of someone loving me too scary to deal with?
Do I become codependent and needy when I am away from the person I am dating?
Am I afraid to share my feelings, sexual needs, or emotional boundaries?
Am I honest with myself and the other person about who I truly am?
This is a small list of questions that you should consider asking yourself when dating with trauma. This list can be so powerful because it requires us to be clear about how we show up in our romantic relationships as trauma survivors. If you are honest with yourself, you will find that you are like every other person in the world and will have to do some work.
Looking back on my life dating over the years, I know one thing to be true: I have made mistakes. Even as the “Best Trauma Coach in the World,” I still have the impact of the past that has required me to choose to show up differently. And it’s not that the darkness I feel about dating doesn’t creep up sometimes. And by darkness, I mean the self-doubt, shame, guilt, or feelings of not being enough. And when those emotions show up, I know I have something to deal with.
Being honest with yourself and others when it comes to dating is about questioning the narrative of who you are that has been brainwashed into you about who you are “supposed to be.” The hard part about choosing the path of honesty with yourself is that in doing so, you will be faced with the truth about who you are. You will find what you are looking for when you stop escaping from yourself.
I don’t think of myself as perfect, and God knows that sometimes I fall down, but I am always trying to understand who I am at this moment. I try to allow myself to be honest, express emotions, always tell the truth, not sabotage myself, and be open to healthy and loving experiences. However, every day of the trauma healing journey is different and we must acknowledge that.
I will be writing more about the impact of childhood trauma on dating, relationships, sex, and love over the coming months. Please subscribe to the blog to read more.
Be Unbroken,
Michael