Understanding anger and childhood trauma

Sometimes, when life feels really difficult, I try to take a pause and think about what I have control over. So much of life is simply out of our control, but the one thing we get to control is our reaction to what is happening. As a trauma-informed coach, I often tell my clients, “If you control your emotions, you control your life.” What that means is that when faced with the emotion-invoking experiences of life, if you can stay in control, you can more effectively navigate what is in front of you.

I used to have major anger issues; even writing that feels like an understatement. As a teen and in my twenties, I was in more fights than I can remember. I think I figured the total to be more more than fifty but less than one hundred. This is in the window of adulthood, mind you. I was totally out of control, and the slightest irritation would send me off the rails.

There is a lot of anecdotal evidence and research that you could look at that would point towards anger issues being a nature vs. nurture issue, but there is also a part of us that is human that has the emotion of anger, which to some capacity serves a purpose.

But what do you do when you are angry all of the time because of the past and the impact of watching anger be a language of communication that you have now adopted due to childhood trauma? Understanding anger, what happens, and why you react the way you do is paramount to your freedom from cptsd.

July 4th, 2012, was the last time I was in a physical fight. As I stood in the street, watching my girlfriend cry and my knuckles pulsate, I, for the first time, realized that I was on the verge of possibly killing someone. And in that moment, it was like a light switch had been flipped, and I made a promise that I would never fight again over anger and my inability to navigate my emotions.

The timing of this experience seems fitting in consideration that I had started to begin doing the work of healing my trauma from my parents and the social conditioning of growing up in one of the worst school districts in the country. Fighting was part of the nomenclature of my childhood environment. It was not uncommon for me to get sent home from school multiple times a semester for being in an altercation, not to mention the street fights, fights with my siblings, and sometimes as embarrassing as it is to say, fights with people I had absolutely no business fighting with.

Anger and violence go hand in hand, especially when you have had a traumatic childhood, and when unchecked, they will consume your life.

I was sitting in a men’s group therapy session about eight years ago, and one of the men in the group said something to me that made me rethink everything I knew about my emotions, which at that point was not a lot. He said, “You are great at being violent, but you have no idea how to be angry.” He was as correct as anyone had ever been about anything. I did not know how to be violent, but I had no idea how to manage the emotions of anger, fear, sadness, resentment, pain, hurt, loss, grief, or betrayal. I only knew how to put my fist through someone or something when I wasn’t happy.

But where does that anger come from? That is the question that I started asking myself after my last fight. Why did my solution to problems have to be resolved with violence? And one day, it all made sense. Violence was the solution to all of the issues my mother and stepfather had, along with my grandmother, my friend's parents, teachers (I remember getting paddled in first grade.), and everything on television.

As I continued to do the work by getting a life coach, going to therapy, and displacing my anger in the gym, yoga, meditation, Muay Thai, and plant medicine, I understood that it’s ok to be angry and that anger is a natural human emotion that at times can serve us in a powerful way. I also finally recognized the difference between anger and violence and how those two things do not go hand-in-hand.

The ability to control my emotions, especially anger has served me in a way that has transformed my life for the better. Being able to process experiences and emotions without losing control is the ultimate form of human growth. More so, being able to understand why you are angry or feel the need to be destructive is one of the most important tools you can utilize in your trauma healing work.

So, how do you understand anger and control it?

I look at navigating anger and all emotions the same way.

Here are three ways to take control of your anger if you had childhood trauma

1 - Can I name the emotion?

This is the first thing that I go to when I feel out of equilibrium. Naming the emotion to the best of your ability gives you the upper hand. Instead of falling to the default of anger, maybe what you are actually feeling is hurt or sadness. While easily misconstrued, not all negative emotions feel the same.

2 - If I am angry, do I understand why?

This question is so profound because it gives meaning and truth to the experience that we are having. Being unsure about why you are angry is a copout that people leverage because often dealing with creating or finding meaning in why we are hurt sucks. Plain and simple.

No one wants to sit in pain and try to understand why their boundaries have been crossed or why they want to hit someone just because they said words. If you think about it, it’s borderline insane to want to physically hurt someone for sounds that are coming out of their mouth. And I’ll be the first to admit that I have been that person.

3 - Displace your negative, angry energy.

This might sound counterintuitive, but it’s actually not. As a human, you have energy, and energy is not created or destroyed; it is displaced, meaning it moves from one form to another. As a trauma coach, I teach my clients how to displace their anger and help them understand that it’s not about getting rid of your anger but about putting it somewhere.

There are a few ways to move through anger like meditation or yoga. But, sometimes that energy must be expended from the physical body. I of course, suggest martial arts as a great form of both exercise and learning how to control yourself. And sometimes a good old fashioned whiffle ball bat and a pillow get the job done. Other times you may need to get a run in or bake some cookies.

Moving that anger energy is about understanding what you need, and it’s not one-size-fits-all.

Today, as I look at my life, I no longer fight out of anger, and I will not get myself wrong. I will defend myself and others, but I will never go out of my way looking to cause harm. I also don’t allow my anger to get the best of me and cause me to explode. Of couse, I am human and life happens, but in the day to day I am in control. And being in control is the goal.

Control your emotions, and you control your life.

Be Unbroken,

Michael