How to set personal boundaries as a CPTSD Survivor
How to set personal boundaries as a CPTSD Survivor
Hey friends. Today I want to talk to you about one of the most important facets of your healing journey. And that is personal boundaries.
Now we always talk about boundaries as a whole. Boundaries we set against people and places and things and our environment so that we protect ourselves. And it's very reasonable that we should do that. For most of us as trauma survivors, we have got to find a way to protect ourselves in the world. And that makes sense. We're never going to argue that. However, what about when you're not showing up for yourself? What about those moments? When you wake up, you put your feet on your ground and you go, eh, not today.
I might lose some people in this conversation and I'm okay with that. But I want to be very clear about something. The way that I think about boundaries is really simple when it comes to personal boundaries. And that is, I always have to ask myself this question, what am I willing to do to have the results that I want in my life? And this, my friend is a question that you need to ask yourself. What are you willing to do to have the life that you want? Often we talk about, we're trying, we're trying, we're trying, we're doing this, we're doing that, we’re doing this. But realistically we're spinning in circles. Why? Because we haven't done a couple of the key elements required to go forward in life.
Why do we struggle with creating boundaries?
One, we haven't acknowledged how we got to where we are right now. So one of the first things that you need to do is take an introspective, look back at how you got to where you are now. Two, you need to game plan what it is that you want your future to look like. And I don't mean daydreams. Here's what I think people have to understand. These grandiose daydreams do not have to be that they can be true. They can be a reality. I often say that the person sitting here in front of you, this Michael, this is a caricature of the idea of the Michael that I wanted to be. And so I’ve built that, but that started with me sitting down, taking out a piece of paper and writing exactly what it is that I want. And so I challenge you, go grab a piece of paper, hit pause right now.
How to write boundaries for healing trauma
Okay. We're back. And so grab that piece of paper. And I want you to write down a couple of headers, one personal health, two personal goals, three relationship health, four relationship goals, five career health, and six career goals. Then you're going to add hobbies and adventures. And underneath each one of these, I want you to write three to five bullet points about how you foresee those categories, looking in your life, over the course of the rest of your life. We are planning for down the road. Often we get stuck in this idea of tomorrow. What I want you to think about is how important it is to deploy patients against what it is that you want next in your life. And so now we're going to take these concepts instead of been sitting in our head for a really long time, and we're going to write them down.
There was a study done by Dominican University that said people who wrote down their goals often hit them at 50% higher, increased chances than people who didn't. So automatically just by writing down what it is that is the life that you want to create.
You have a 50% better chance of winning at life than you did before. That's a huge step, right? So we kind of looked at where we've gotten and how we got there.
And now we're talking about goals and where we want to go. And the hard part about this is the hidden little secret of this, now you have to do the work. And so you might be asking yourself, well, what do boundaries have to do with doing the work? What do personal boundaries have to do with any of these things? I'm going to keep it really simple for you. The only way that we get to the place that we want to go in life is by forcing yourself there. Often we want to blame the world for things that happen in our lives, both good and bad. We want to go, Oh, this happened because of X not recognizing that we have this amazing amount of control to create the future that we want.
So personal boundary comes into play here because what we are going to do is we are going to build out our life based on the goals that we want to have. And so how do you do this? How do you take a personal boundary and make it the catalyst for change in your life? The most important thing that you have to do as you start this is to acknowledge that you are capable of doing this. People have told you for a really long time, you're not good enough. You're not worthy. You're not capable. You have to get that out. You have to stop caring about what people who don't matter bring into your life, because the people who I can assure you, they are there to support you. And if they aren't, you need to have some deep conversations with them, but that's another topic for another day. And so what you have to do is first eliminate these thoughts of people who want to come in and facilitate your own belief. You have got to tap into self-belief in a really intense way. And so how do you do that? That falls in line with boundaries. Because by stepping ourselves into understanding things that make us uncomfortable, we learn and we grow. And so by both learning and growing, we start to get a better idea of who we are. And we find ourselves being appreciative of ourselves. We think ourselves for the journey that we are on, moving towards what? The goals that we set. Just starting to make sense.
Trauma Coaching and Personal Boundaries
So now that we have these set goals and we have this idea of what boundary means and personal growth, how do you get there? Boundaries isn't just about saying I'm going to it. Boundaries are about executing against that. And some of your ideas may be really big. And so how do you get that in life, in relationship and career and hobbies, the adventure, you start at the top, and then you reverse engineer back down to the first step. So for instance, if, for example, I want to feel good about myself in the morning when I wake up and I put my feet on the ground, that's the high-level header, overarching, everything. How do I get there? I go all the way to the very bottom of the list of possibilities. And I say, step one, what does step one look like? Step one for you could be numerous things. And that can be okay, Step one means I have to go to therapy is step one. I go to the gym, step one, I have to eat better. Step one, I have to sleep better. Step one could be any of these things. And so that becomes the beginning of it. And personal boundary comes back in around that step, because now you have to hold yourself accountable to doing that because realistically, step one is often only the beginning of a lot of steps that will lead you to where you want to go. And so now you have personal boundaries come in and you are going to force yourself. Literally, you are going to force yourself to do the things that you know you have to do to get to where it is that you want to go in life. You are both culpable and accountable for everything that happens from this moment forward. And so personal boundary comes into play because what you are going to do is you're going to acknowledge the fact that you are capable of having the life that you want to have as long as you make yourself do the work to get there.
Guys, this is not easy. I'm going to be real with you. The hardest thing that you are ever going to do in your life is become the hero of your own story. And that starts with accountability and personal responsibility and boundaries and goals and having a direction. And on these days when it's hard, not beating yourself up because you know what, maybe you're on step four of 400, and you are going to fall. You are going to tater and you have to get up. You have to go back towards it. Why? Because ultimately you are the only one who is going to get you to where you want to be. Even just listening to this will give your insight and direction of what to do. But realistically, the only way you're going to get there is by taking a really hard look at yourself and making a declaration that no matter what I'm going to go forward, that's strength. There is strength in that. And I promise you in these moments of being guard comfortable, and in these moments, when you're like, ah, why am I still doing this? And ah, why am I not getting the results that I want? You know, what is going to happen? You're going to slowly build your worth and your value and your esteem because you weren't going to keep getting up no matter what, every single day you're going to keep moving forward. Even if it is just one step towards that goal of the life that you want to have, and you have to decide, who's going to stop you and nobody can stop you, but you, I promise there was always a way to work through it.
Creating boundaries as a trauma surivior
So now you have these pillars, about how you move forward and how you set personal responsibility in your life. And I want to caution you because a lot of people will take these ideas and concepts, write them down, create a game plan, block off time on their calendar, do 800 million things and forget the most important core, self-values.
Make sure that you are taking care of yourself and staying align with your values as you move through this, because that is ultimately how you are going and to get there.
So I know I threw a lot at you. I want to share something else with you if you're checking this out right now. You can sign up for the small group coaching sessions that I'm doing right now for Mondays with Michael.
There is a link in the description, and if you're watching this on YouTube, or if you're listening to the podcast, you can go to www.linktree.com/michaelunbroken. I invite you to come and be a part of this as we share and go through small group coaching together,
You can check out all of the information about the book and coaching, and life and all of those things. And I want to leave you with one thing here as we start to wrap up, keep in mind that this journey doesn't really have a destination. Yes, we have goals. And yes, we write these things down, and yes, we move towards them, but it is always going to change and it has always going to evolve. Why? Because that is what life does my friend? And in those moments, we adapt and we create change in our own life to continue to move forward. So take this information with you, go back, rewind the video, pause it, write down those headlines, put down those bullet points, get out that calendar, start moving forward because also my friend, the only person that can do it is you.
And until next time be unbroken, I’ll see you.