Childhood trauma is not your fault, but healing CPTSD is your responsibility. 

I was lying on the concrete floor of my bedroom next to my two brothers. We didn't have a bed but had built a makeshift version of one made with a handful of tattered and torn blankets. Even piled five layers deeps, I could feel the cold seeping up through the ground of the house. It must have been below freezing because the condensation on the windows was icy inside. I was bundled in my coat and jeans; the gas had been shut off again due to non-payment. As I lay there listening to the howl of the dogs next door and the flickering of the street light that shined into our curtain-less window, I felt both lost and betrayed. The feeling of knowing that what was happening in my life at nine years old was wrong is a hard discovery to make when you should be immersed in the warmth of hugs and love. But the one thing I took with me in that cold of that night was that whatever this was that was my childhood was not right.

Today, as I sit writing this, I am warm, comforted, loved, and above all, content with the person that I have become. I think about what it was like those almost thirty years ago and how I felt betrayed and somehow punished for being alive. The most present thought is that even at that moment, I recognized that what was happening was not my fault. 

As childhood trauma survivors, we are ultimately faced with being the catalyst for undoing what was done to us. The truth is it's unfair. Being abused isn't our fault, that being a harder pill to swallow for many than the abuse itself. We didn't choose what we were born into; we showed up and were swallowed into the abyss that, for most, is generational trauma, which has been embedded in our very DNA. I often think about the past moments that have led me to where I am. The constant echoing of the word responsibility, not to be confused with fault, which it often is, and what that means in my healing journey.

We are not culpable for being abused as children.

I wish that we didn't have child abuse in common. I wish that I wasn't writing this. No one deserves to be abused, yet we face the tedious task of healing what we didn't scar- a hard truth. It's easy to feel like things like being hit, screamed at, molested, or seeing violence between parents, divorce, or even suicide is your fault. Still, the truth is that it is not. Being culpable as a child for things that are out of your control is nonsense. Though it is reasonable that we may feel like the bad things that happened are because of us. We had the notion imbued in us that we are not good enough; thus, bad things happen. Often, we carry this burden for decades, if not a lifetime. Still, the truth that we must accept if we are going to heal trauma is that those notions of the fault have not been created by us but instead thrust upon us from those who won't take responsibility for their actions. 

Stepping on this path requires a gentle approach and a willingness to accept that…

Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility. 

I recall the moment in which I finally accepted the truth that I and I alone was on the hook for healing the trauma caused by the abuse that I suffered. I know healing trauma sucks, but if you don't do the work, then nothing changes. I sat with this understanding for weeks as it soaked into my bones and my psyche. I sat with it on the bus, at the gym, on dates, during showers, eating dinner, and while sleeping. The idea that I would have to do the work to fix the problems that I didn't create pissed me off. In that moment of anger, I made a declaration to myself that no matter what, I was going to live the life that I wanted. I had been stuck in someone else's reality of not showing up, not healing, not growing, and not being the person I knew I could be because I was allowed every decision I made to be excused by what happened to me as a child. I wish that weren't true, but it is. I made excuses for not living my life because I accepted that life had been over before it started. 

Acceptance is no easy because you have to acknowledge that there are things that are out of your control. In this case, that thing being abuse. You did not have control over what happened to you; that's the truth. Think about this, if you did have control over abuse, would you have let it happen? I don't think anyone would. In moments I have found acceptance to bring a sense of peace in that I am allowing myself to let go. I let go of holding myself responsible while also accepting that I would be the person who had to change my life. It's a bit of a mind-fuck, to be honest. 

What happens next in your life is entirely dictated by the meaning you create around everything in your life. And in healing to apply meaning of responsibility for happens next and how you show up for yourself is where true growth beings. I know that the concept of letting go is easier said than done but like everything in this journey, patience and staying on the road is what will get you there. 

The steps to healing childhood trauma: 

Step one: stop blaming yourself for being abused. It was not your fault.

Step two: accept that from this moment forward, you choose what happens.

Until next time my friend…

Be Unbroken,

-Michael 

P.S. You can take my brand new 1-hour course: The Key to Healing for FREE. Click Here: www.linktr.ee/michaelunbroken